Februar 2013
I see your pain and feel your tears
It’s been going on too many years
The cruelty you’ve got from what strangers said
The judgment of those you’ve never met
Wise doctors’ final words about who you are
To force you to be calm again with pills
And let you go for a while alone
And take you in by enforcement again
They say you are insane, do you believe them?
That you’re so mental disabled as you can be
And that time will make no different to see
Sometimes it sounds like they have given up on you
Did it ever cross their mind; it is a product of the past
Which is still going strong, since no one stops it at last?
Everyone with a past like yours would have a broken soul
And would have a fear of things getting even worse
Most would honesty not be alive by now
So the wise ones should praise you for your strength
Not talk down to you about being empty and unstable
The sad thing is, people will never understand what it does
To humans to be left alone in the dark until someone blows out the light
I know some scars in the soul will never heal
But like for everyone else, you can get where you want
You can change the future, but not the past
You can make sure the misery won’t last
But you will have to let go of some of the theories
You’ve used to keep people away, and to make them stay
Find and use new methods to deal with pain and feelings
It will not be easy, that’s for sure, but it will be worth it
I love you with every part of my body and soul
And your pain hurts to see, when I wish you could be with me
So I could put you under my wings of protection and love
I can’t fix it all, with a magic wand
But I will give you everything I can and have
I bet you wonder what I want back
I want nothing but you to trust and love me
Then I will go through fire for you
Sometimes two people with the worst pasts
Can make the best future together
I will watch your back; I will catch you when you fall
Just take my hand, and I will walk with you
In the good times enjoy every day, every moment
Laugh, smile and act silly in the long nights
But always have one eye open to be prepared
When the bad times hit, letting you know
I’m not leaving, so tell me what you need
I can be your voice, when you can’t speak
And take the fights for you, when you feel weak
I want to walk with you till the end of life
Grow old, and see where we end up in time
Don’t be afraid, of showing your pain
I won’t run away, I know a lot is stuck in your soul
Take my hand, and I will never let it go
No matter where life takes us, even when we’re apart
My love for you is still growing in my heart
I love you like I never loved anyone before
You’re unique and with a heart of gold
You’re a fortune and you don’t know, never been told
Let’s dance through all rivers in the world, taking every step together
Nothing is big enough to be in the way, not the sky or the oceans
So come what may, I will love you for eternal days
Marts 2013
Why didn't you tell them, why didn't they see it?
Why didn't you scream for them to hear it?
You fear their reaction, their rage against him
You fear it will only bring you more pain
You let him walk away with all the damage he did
Nothing he did is ever going to be forgotten
It will haunt you every time, someone is getting close
Are you scared to be alone, to be forgotten?
Did you hide behind him, to give the blame
And still to claim you were not on your own?
You got so used to the abuse it kind of felt like home
You didn't know how to deal with it, if it was gone
The past can't be erased, and feelings never leave
I could kiss your scars and hold your hands
We could look at the stars in the clear nightsky
And never get cold, cause the heat from our hearts would keep us warm.
Februar 2013
I am the last wild tiger.
and you're a man.
Do you want me to stay for dinner?
I won't eat you, if you love me all you can.
But don't mess my fur, the wrong way.
But if you hear me purr, you can always stay.
But don't try to force me against my nature.
Maybe you have a smarter brain.
And for that respect, I will eat it last.
You're one speical kind of a men.
Lunch, breakfast, supper or dinner?
I don't care, but I'll be the winner.
Januar 2013
Inderst inde.. Bag alle facader, og bag alle lag, helt inden i, der ved jeg at jeg betyder noget for dig. Jeg ved at du ikke ønsker mig noget ondt, jeg ved du ikke ønsker at blive uvenner, ligeså meget som jeg ikke ønsker det. Jeg ved du ikke vil skræmme mig væk, og jeg ved at du frygter at hvis jeg ser dig helt, at jeg ikke vil være tilfreds.
At ens handlinger ikke altid er det man forsøger at udtrykke, er kompliceret. At det man siger ikke altid er det man mener, at det det ender med, ikke altid er det man ville opnå... Det er frustrerende, knusende og traumatiserende. At ligemeget hvor hårdt man prøver, så kommer der ingen ord. Som at råbe under vand, for fulde lunger, men ikke en lyd. Jeg ved at tiden er en vigtig faktor. Jeg tror på dig, jeg tror på du kan alt, hvad du gerne vil. Jeg tror du kan udfordre dig selv. Jeg ved det er svært, jeg ved det er hårdt.
Jeg ved at du er bange for at folk ikke kan lide dig for den du er, hvis de så dig som du er. Jeg ved at du sætter en facade op, der tyk som en mur, den beskytter dig for alles ord, du slipper for at tage noget af det ind. Kritikken falder af, for det er ikke dig den beskriver, men også det positive, rosen og komplimenterne falder til jorden, for heller ikke de er inderst inde den du er. Det forhindre dig i at blive såret. I de ord der gør så ondt, når de rammer lige der hvor man er sårbar. De ting der før har fået dig ned, og hvor det hele var så hæsligt, at der ved du ikke ned igen.
Det skaber en ond cirkel, hvor frygt er den styrende kraft. Det i sig selv kan trække en ned, hvor man ligger helt nede, strukket ud, og bundet sammen af frygten for at træde forkert og vise for meget af sig selv.
Jeg har set meget af dig, hvorend du er enig eller ej. Jeg har selv handlet som de fleste, dømt dig udfra det jeg så, fordi jeg ikke vidste bedre, eller andet. Uvidenhed. Jeg troede at det intet betød for dig. At jeg intet betød for dig. Men jeg ved nu at jeg tog fejl. Det er jeg dybt ked af, undskyld.
Jeg har udvidet min egen horisont. Min menneskelige forståelse, den raske og den syge side. Jeg har overanalyseret alt, blot for at se om det ville give en forståelse af den egentlige mening. Og det tror jeg det har.
Jeg er ikke bange for dig, du skræmmer mig ikke. Dine symptomer, svingninger, eller diagnoser, skræmmer mig ikke. Jeg er klar over dine mørke sider, men de er en del af dig, og en del af den du er. Jeg kan også se dine lyse sider, og de vejer op for den anden side.
Jeg dømmer dig ikke, jeg ved bedre. Jeg vil tillade mig at sige, at jeg kender dig.
Det gør og har alle altid gjort. Og du fortjener bedre.
Jeg er overbevist om, at alle har overvejende gode sider, hvis de får chancen for at vise det, og tilliden og muligheden for at skinne som stjerner, i månelyset såvel som i solen.
Du har ikke fået din chance. Grib den. Det fortjener du.
Februar 2013Tears, Tears in my face,
Real tears, tears of real pain,
I put on my strong face,
I do not freak out, or break down,
But deep inside I just crumble on the ground,
Some days I wish I would just die,
That my body would get the peace it needs,
That my soul could go to heaven,
That I would stay alive in the heart,
Of those who noticed me,
My life, my fights and my heart to care,
To love no matter how hard the pain would be when it's gone.
I can lay here now, just smiling silent,
Of a picture of your face, in my mind.
Not knowing if I ever see you again.
But I know the love for you is in my vains, the blood that flows.
You are in my beating heart
And my shin and fragile bones, still standing strong.
You fill my mind, my thoughts and my dreams, my words and ears.
You fill my body with feelings I never had before,
Not like this, this is real.
Nothing in my life's been real, though I never lied,
I just rarely gave out of my deepest mind,
since there wasn't anything there to find.
Never any joy in my life,
Other than the ones I made up in my head.
The dreams, the fantasy, the imagination, the faiths, truths, hopes and wishes.
That some day, I would be able to be whoever I was.
So much has happened in so few years, so much to deal with, so much pain.
I keep pushing on, because I need to get to the other side,
To get my silent mind, to let the time, and nightmares wash out the horror in my mind.
I'm sometimes scared not to get out,
To die running through fire, for the water on the other side,
I'm scared of anything, anyone and anywhere,
I see danger, where I go, and where I stay.
YOU are my guardian angel.
The protector of my heart, my soul and my will.
I love you, always did, always will.
No matter what I said, or say, or how hard I push you away.
It's painfull to see you suffer.
It's a nightmare in the day,
it's worrying and upsetting, and scary.
It's a lot of pain, but compared to what I gain,
it's worth it.
You are worth it.
You are a hidden tresure, a golden kind, a lost soul walking around.
You are looking for a right pill, a magic spell, a wise old man, or a hidden land.
Sometimes it's so obvious, and yet so strange,
that we never notice, before it's too late,
Grab a chance, stick to it,
Maybe, it can chance everything,
The earth can crack, the sun burn out,
The oceans dry in, and the wind get cold,
But every day, I hope, I pray and wish for the day to come,
Where I can to go to bed, knowing my heart and mind is safe,
..... and wake up, seeing a smile on your face.
December 2012
I hate to admit it, but I'm scared I won't be able to hold you in my arms, before you are dying, because then you will not have the energi to pull up your walls and push me away... And maybe you will se in my eyes, all the stars, and you will see we were meant to be, and then it's too late..
That is scary. Then I rather accept the fact if that you think I'm ugly, stupid og rude. That I just lie, and betray and nothing I do is okay. I'm not perfect, nobody is, but neither are you, and don't come here telling me, I didn't suffer, cause you have no idea..
I didnt have a day without thinking about you, without your words filling up my mind, but i knew if I trying, I would get *** in my face, and nothing else, so I didn't. I was terrified that you would die, every day, i prepared myself to figuring out, you didn't make the day.
When you lose someone to death, it's when it doesn't change anything, all you regret.
Don't break your own heart, don't ruin yourself again, i know you love me, so stop playing that stupid game, if you want to, you can make everyone run away, letting go and leaving, cause they way you act, tells the face you don't care, and will not change. You can make even the greatest love get cold. You can make the flame burn out.
But with a word, a smile or sign, you can make it burn for life.
Don't ruin it for youself. Please.
November 2012
Brød lige sammen i tårer, uden nogen åbenlys grund. Da det slog mig, jeg er bange. Virkelig bange. Frygt og angst, ekstremt. Jeg bruger alt min energi og tid på at skubbe det væk, ikke at lade det stige mit til hovedet, og bryde sammen.
Jeg er alt alt for bange for at ende som en fiasko. For at kæmpe og kæmpe og med den sidste energi trække mig mod enden af tunnelen, og lige som jeg ser solen stå op på den anden side, går mit hjerte i stå, og jeg ser alt forsvinde, indtil der kun er mørkt. Ligemeget hvor hårdt jeg kæmper, går det aldrig som jeg vil. Der er altid nogen der skubber mig i en anden retning, og nogen der skubber mig en tredje, hele tiden folk der siger jeg skal finde ud af hvilken vej jeg vil gå, uden at give mig en mulighed for selv at tage et skridt. Hele tiden skubbet rundt mellem folk, løsninger og problemer. Og alle stederne set som et problem, som en skændsel og som noget med mindre værdig.
Jeg har ikke frygten om at blive gammel og dø alene, min frygt er at jeg er alene nu. Jeg har ingen hos mig, som jeg elsker helt ind i knoglemarven, og her er ingen der elsker mig på samme måde. Der er folk der kommer forbi, der holder af mig, og tror det gør den store forskel at de siger jeg må have en fortsat god dag. Men dagen var ikke god, og når døren er lukket, er smilet væk. Når alt kommer til alt, gør det ikke den store forskel, for når lyset er slukket, og øjnene lukkede, er det dagens stærke følelser der huskes, og ikke en på gaden der ville have ens nummer.
Jeg har set 3 specialister i den seneste måneder, og de påstår hver især de ved hvordan jeg har det, men de siger 3 forskellige ting, og trækker mig 3 forskellige veje. Men ingen af dem er den rette. Ingen af dem ved hvad jeg har gået gennem, ingen ved hvad jeg tænker, føler eller ender. De kan høre min lave stemme og se mit blik er tomt, men hvad der sker i mig, kan de ikke engang gisne om.
Hvad hvis jeg bare ikke er nok. Hvad hvis det er universets vilje, at jeg ikke skal føres videre, at jeg ikke skal klare det, ligemeget hvad og hvor mange odds jeg trodser. Hvis ligemeget hvor meget jeg ofrer, giver og vrider mig selv, for at hjælpe og sætte pris på andre, så vil de aldrig helt synes det er nok?
Hvem er jeg? Jeg ved det snart ikke, måske har jeg haft så travlt med at dele ud af mig selv, at der ikke er noget tilbage? Måske har jeg aldrig været noget værd for nogen. Hvis jeg forsvandt sporløst, var der nogen der ville lede? Måske har jeg været for naiv og dum, måske har jeg stolet på folk, der stjal min sjæl, fra min hånd, fordi jeg lod dem. Måske har jeg givet ud til de forkerte folk, dem der aldrig giver tilbage?
Måske er jeg en af dem der skal dø, for at andre kan leve? Måske er jeg født, til at lide? Måske slutter alting ikke godt, måske er det noget man tror, at når enden er god er alting godt. I virkeligheden er det vel når nutiden - nuet - er godt, er alt andet ligemeget indtil det ikke længere er godt i nutiden - lykken er ikke noget man skal eller kan finde. Det er noget man skal frembringe, tiden heler ikke alle sår, gammel kærlighed ej forgår.
Vindens susen, havets brusen, solens lys og månens mystik.
De ord jeg sendte med vinden var der ingen der fik?
At råbe for døve øre, for man kan ikke høre, et hjerte skrige og tude,
men er der nogen der elsker mig, et sted derude?
